I have to share :)

Lately I've been feeling down about myself, I look at my house it's just a mess ( Imean I haven't dusted in ages) there are things on the table that need to be put away that's probably laid there for weeks and then I start to get this not so good opinion of myself. Growing up my mom would spend hours on the phone (that used to be my problem too) and then when the afternoon would hit and my dad would be coming home in about 2 hours she (and me and my brother) would rush around the house cleaning it up to make it look like we had cleaned all day (I wonder if my dad ever really knew?) The last couple of months I started studying my bible really hard (this is the website I use when studying http://bible.cc/ ) I found myself spending 2-3 hours studying then I would shut the comuter off and look at the clock by this time it's 10 or 11 o'clock sometimes it would be later if I would answer phone calls during bible study (on those days it is usually noon). I would eat some lunch and then get started on cleaning and laundry. When I would come home from picking up the kids and take a look at the house I'll tell myself "you didn't get anything done today your house is a wreck" on the weekends I find myself frustrated and talking not so nice to Charlie and the kids. Today I was looking on the net and googled how to be content, I'm really wondering how this is suppose to happen when I feel so low about not getting much done. Does the way us women keep our house reflect who we are? Does a clean house really mean we are contented with our life? My mom always says things about my "dirty" house and these comments hurt, it makes me feel like I'm not living up to her standards. Charlie and I rent our house and my parents make comments about us never owning our own home, Charlie and I tried to purchase a home a few months back and we were just not able too, does God have a reason? I always feel it's because I'm not doing something right, it has to be "ME" , I drive myself crazy over our finances (always have, I bet the amount of paper that I've went through in 15 years could replace a couple trees just from me alone) budget after budget after budget. Charlie makes good money now (we've not always had steady paychecks he used to get paid by the load or mileage this is the first driving job he gets paid by the hour) I mean steady income. It seems to never be enough for the amount of bills going out, why? Charlie works long hours and I feel like I've let him down when I can't get all the bills paid and the house is a mess. I start to evaluate what kinda of wife he has. I pray the God will show me his will for our life and help to be content in what he has given us. Maybe I shouldn't feel so bad that I spend so much time learning God's word. Isn't that what he wants us to do?